Do you see me as I am? I'm the little girl who had big dreams - living in Europe (check), being married (check x2) and raising a family (check x4). I'm the woman who worked hard all her adult life. I gave birth to four babies and experienced a miscarriage. For 30 of those years raising children, I worked full-time for the majority of them; remember me? I'm the one who cried and worried myself sick that I wouldn't be able figure out ways to keep them all in University and witness them grab that diploma as they walked the stage.
It's me world who while the children slept, would begin DYI projects in hopes the paint was dry by morning. You need a clown costume, no problem. A trip to House of Fabrics, McCalls pattern 4217 and bring in the clowns. Excuse me world, do you remember son no. 1 when struck with an illness that left him for weeks unable to hold-up his head or walk? Did you forget the 3 out of 4 who had tonsillectomies, and one with the emergency appendectomy? If that wasn't enough, son #1 fell into the corner of a 4 ft. book case and ripped open a hole between his inner lip and his nasal passage. Son #2 had to beat that with breaking off his front tooth at University with the nerve left dangling. How soon you forget as I didn't even mention the broken bones. One doesn't want to appear too needy.
But surely world you noticed when I ended a toxic marriage of 22 years. You must have taken note when I packed up my 5, 10, 12, and 16 year old's and we left our family home, the home we loved. With $500.00 in child support each month we had to make it work and we did. We grew strong and happy. Did you notice world that I'm still judged today for what others don't have a clue about. Did you even see that my world became dark and sad and there was finally light?
World you must of smiled when knowing I found an honorable, kind, stable man; a Scotsman. If anything you likely inhaled as you wondered, 'what was he thinking?'
Did you take note of the career I've had; the times I've started over and the many places we've lived? Each new desitnation starting from scratch; re-winding really. Trying with all my might to fit-in and helping my family to adjust. Praying to God we made friends. There were hopes my colleagues saw me as more than my current job title and I'd win their respect. Did you remember world that we moved 5 times in a 12 year span and this last move was a doozy?
I'm the one at age 50 passed my motorcycle course in front of twenty three twenty-somethings. The majority in your world didn't understand why, but for once I knew that didn't matter. Life gets in the way and it's prevented me from important moments that I know I'll never get back. Meeting my first born grandchild as a wee baby or spending special moments with the ones you love. This is when I think my world is stuck on repeat and it'd be nice for a break.
And now world, I know you no longer see me as the woman full of hopes; the little girl with white blonde braids holding a fishing pole or riding her baby blue second-hand Schwinn. I am no longer a mother of children, let alone four. I am not valued for raising them to adulthood as good people. My accomplishments in the working world and how I have influenced others are blurred. You see me through glasses that are scratched and clouded; you view only my age, the lines in my face, and the eyes that don't sparkle as they once did. You roll your eyes when I ask you to repeat what I can't hear. You don't see me as the 16 year old who loved Steely Dan, the Guess Who, and Joni Mitchell and who obviously listened to rock too loudly. I was that kid who grew-up in a High School band room filled with music. You only know me as the person without perfect hearing today.
World you no longer recognize me as a daughter, nor feel the pain I carry since my mom died. You only see what you take in today as though I've been this age for my lifetime. I feel myself slipping away, almost invisible.
With youth comes inexperience, naivety & in some cases, excessive self-importance; the inability to see that the world does not slow down for any one of us. World, you catch up to us all and although you have favourites, you leave no one behind. I am so much more than the person you see now. I wish these words would clear your vision but I know when I wake-up tomorrow, I'll be viewed as I am for today.
So world you are on notice. Look into my eyes as this is how I want you to see ME!
( and no jokes about the way I run!)I'm not 'done and dusted' yet.
Go forth and live responsibly
{see people... really see them}
Thank you x
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